In the meantime, I have been forced to face two character flaws. One had been slowly creeping up on me, allowing me to think about it and brush it away whenever it was inconvenient. The other called me on the phone, reached through the airwaves, and punched me in the face, Merriam-Webster-literally. (Not Oxford-literally.) When I realized the assumptions I had been making and the way I totally disregarded the feelings of others (as both of these character flaws play out) I was forced to really look at myself.
Generally speaking, I like who I am. I could list my many admirable qualities, but I'm much too humble to do that. (See that there? That was a joke.)
But given enough time to sit and think, eventually I'll come around to what God's been trying to show me all along. I'm realizing that the root of the things that frustrate me most about myself and others always comes back to me...
How I handle situations.
How I respond to people.
How I choose to think.
How I choose to pray.
How I choose to spend my time.
With whom I choose to spend my time.
You get the idea.
So, for a time, for an undetermined period of time, I am removing some things that distract from what I really need to work on. I see a good life all around me, but I'm constantly yearning for better. Not in a frivolous way, but in a "there's more to life than this" kind of way. I know I have a place in God's plan, and I know that I can serve Him where I am, so it's not that I'm not content.
On the contrary, I make great efforts to be content. (I have never put up curtains in my house, simply to remind me to be content. Oh, how I'd love to have curtains. But they are unnecessary, so, for me, I choose not to have curtains. It's not that I think curtains are bad and I'm really glad for all the curtained windows of this world. It's more symbolic, for ME, than anything else. But I digress.)
I make great efforts to be content. So this stirring is not a result of me wishing I had more, more, more. I believe it is, instead, me seeing a little bit of the better that God has in store for me. Perfection. Perfect relationships. Perfect choices. While that may not be attainable, it's still something that we should be striving for. And it all starts with changing myself. As usual.
I feel like I'm muddling through this, trying to say something but just becoming more unclear.
I know there is Better, just around the corner. Instead of being consumed with people who are not intimately part of my life, I need to focus on the relationships that are right in front of me. I need to fix the way I interact with people, with God.
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So, don't mind me while I muddle through, perhaps a little too introspectively at times. This public journal has always been my way to record life so I can later share it with the kids. Perhaps they will find something useful in knowing that their mother had plenty of character flaws. It's always nice to know that no one is perfect, right?