Every so often I read The Matt Walsh Blog or Ann Voskamp's A Holy Experieince (complete with hypnotic music, forcing me to become more introspective) and internalize the goodness they have to share.
But more often than not, I just have some kind of ongoing dialogue in my head, usually stuck on the loop where I'm berating myself for saying something stupid. Or doing something stupid. Or saying and then doing something stupid.
My moments of stupidity used to happen much more frequently. I didn't stop to ponder how my words and actions affected others. Somewhere between getting married and having kids I finally started to get it. I was not a nice person. And I had no filter.
So, I made an effort to screen my comments before they made their way out of my mouth. Generally speaking, over the last 10 years or so, I've made great strides in not looking like an idiot at every turn.
Lately though... Well, lately, I've been saying stupid things again. Pointing out areas of improvement in other people (or even worse, in other people's kids.) Telling people the same story twice in an hour. Butting my nose in to conversations that don't concern me. I could go on, but it's really just embarrassing.
I don't know what's happened to me. I'd like to think that I'm becoming more and more like Ann Voskamp, but in reality, I think I'm turning into Amelia Bedelia.
And so, I war with myself. I want to be involved and be social. I want to get to know new people. I want to have something to say. But, inhibited by the stupid things I say, I realize that I need to clean that filter and get it working again.
I'd like to think that I have moments of quick wit. Perhaps my quick wit has found a way to bypass the filter. Perhaps my quick wit has sacrificed the "wit" side of things for more "quick."
I have no solution here, People. I'm trying. Really, I am. If you could crack open my head and see the things that I DIDN'T say, you'd be amazed, aghast, and some other adjective that starts with "A" describing how you'd feel if you saw inside my head. (See, that's just a peek at the inside of my head, unfiltered. It's Choose Your Own Adventure, adjective-style.)
I guess what I'm saying is this:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the stupid thing I said to you earlier today. Or earlier this week or this month. My filter has been working so hard and is so full of crud that I really just need to take it out and clean it. So please bear with me. I'm undergoing some maintenance. There's no completion date, so I can't even really offer you any hope of getting rid of these construction cones.
But to the friends who risk the mess, I thank you for stopping in and saying hello to me. My new filter will be working overtime, but I'm going to make sure I keep it firmly in place.