Self-Esteem

We had an incredibly busy weekend. It was entirely my fault. I scheduled a special kids' day at church, complete with three special snacks that I prepared and fun costumes (which I also prepared for my own kids.) We also had our Sunday morning worship, which Aaron and I led, as we sometimes do. We also had a fellowship lunch, for which I made two dishes.  And we celebrated two milestone birthdays, for which I made special desserts.

It's so easy to want to pat myself on the back and say, “Wow, look at what I did.” But instead I'm smacking my forehead and saying, “Wow, look at all that stuff that I didn't really need to do all at once.”

As Aaron and I were chatting about it on our way home from church, he pointed out that I don't have to do everything. That's hard for me to hear. I naturally try to please people by doing all the stuff that hasn't been done or volunteered to be done. Aaron, whose love language is (*supposedly) “Acts of Service” is telling me to stop doing so much. And I thought I was a good cross between Mary and Martha.   (*supposedly...  Because I really think his love languages are football, then sports, then gas.)

I've been thinking about “self-esteem” a bit lately. I'm trying to write down some stuff about it, maybe to post here, maybe to keep to myself. But what I keep coming back to is that my worth is not wrapped up in what I do or what people think of me or how awesome my hubby and kids are. My self-worth is totally and entirely wrapped up in knowing that Psalm 139 was written about me. I've read it too many times to count, and mentioning it almost seems cliché, but it always gets me. God really loves me that much! God cares what I think that much!

Everything else fades away, at least for the moment, when I consider how truly awesome that is. I don't need to get my validation from other people, not even my husband, who loves me way more than I deserve. My validation comes from being one of God's lovingly created beings.

O Lord, you have examined my heart

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from your Spirit!

I can never get away from your presence!

If I go up to heaven, you are there;

if I go down to the grave, you are there.

If I ride the wings of the morning,

if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

even there your hand will guide me,

and your strength will support me.

I could ask the darkness to hide me

and the light around me to become night—

but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.

To you the night shines as bright as day.

Darkness and light are the same to you.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.

They cannot be numbered!

I can’t even count them;

they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up,

you are still with me!

O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!

Get out of my life, you murderers!

They blaspheme you;

your enemies misuse your name.

O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?

Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?

Yes, I hate them with total hatred,

for your enemies are my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Point out anything in me that offends you,

and lead me along the path of everlasting life.