Where I am

I am hiding in my basement, listening to my youngest pick out one of his favourite songs on the piano. The older two are giggling and laughing in the hallway beside me. I have a headache, which has been slowly creeping on all morning. I suspect the energetic stomping/dancing that I heard earlier contributed to the throbbing I now feel.

I am tired. I remember days when I sat down at my keyboard to write and my mind was full of exciting things to share. Today is not one of those days. Today (and for many days, recently) things are different.

The first difference is that I feel less confident in sharing what I am learning... Not that I don't have good things to share, just that I have been humbled lately in attempting to “teach” others. Those who teach will be judged more strictly, after all. (James 3:1) So I am sitting back and gleaning from others more these days.

Beyond that, though, I have this pervading feeling of weariness. I don't know if it's this everlasting Winter O' 2015 or something else, but I just don't want to do anything. I'm tired of answering questions. I'm tired of meal planning. I'm tired of shopping multiple times a week. I'm tired of listening to people's whining (and I'm not just talking about kids here.) I am weary.

I stood under the spray of the shower this morning and imagined something that I only think about in my weakest moments - an extended period of time away from everything... Cars, stores, internet, people, teaching. In that ever-so-brief moment, it sounds delightful.

Curling up in the fetal position and sucking my thumb was my go-to, years ago

Yet, I know that I have a purpose here, right now.

And, I know that escape is neither healthy, nor useful.

But in those moments, I find it hard to remember that I do have a purpose.

But.

I have heard it said that when someone speaks the word, “BUT...” it really means, “All that stuff I just told you? Forget about it.”

“Your hair looks great today BUT you have food in your teeth.”
“I know you told me not to tell you any more church gossip BUT you have to hear what so-and-so told me.”
“I want something better for my children BUT I'm not willing to make any changes.”

You get the idea. What you read before the “BUT” means nothing, really.

So, all that stuff up there? BUT...

BUT God has put me where I am so that I can shine my light, even when it feels like I'm on my last drop of oil. I am reflecting the light of Jesus to my family, to my church, to my friends, and to people I meet at the store or library or swimming pool.

It's not about me.

It should never have been about me.

I try to make it about me far too often.

So, I will persevere. I will get over myself when I am feeling used up and worn out, because the Lord has satiated the weary soul! (Jeremiah 31:25)

If I am not letting God build this family into what he wants it to be, my work is all vain. (Psalm 127:1)

And how quickly I forget the last part of Psalm 127, where God tells me that my children are a heritage and reward to me. Thank you, Lord, for that reminder. They truly are.

My heritage and reward...  Awesome.

I will not grow weary in doing good. I will reap my reward, one day. (Gal 6:9)

Today...  And every today to follow...

This is my prayer - That I can let my light shine before men, so that they may see my good works and GLORIFY my FATHER in heaven. (Matthew 5:16)

So I am here, sitting at my computer, listening to the noises of my family and resolving to continue doing good. After all, God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26) It doesn't get better than that, right?