Every so often I read The Matt Walsh Blog or Ann Voskamp's A Holy Experieince (complete with hypnotic music, forcing me to become more introspective) and internalize the goodness they have to share.
But more often than not, I just have some kind of ongoing dialogue in my head, usually stuck on the loop where I'm berating myself for saying something stupid. Or doing something stupid. Or saying and then doing something stupid.
My moments of stupidity used to happen much more frequently. I didn't stop to ponder how my words and actions affected others. Somewhere between getting married and having kids I finally started to get it. I was not a nice person. And I had no filter.
So, I made an effort to screen my comments before they made their way out of my mouth. Generally speaking, over the last 10 years or so, I've made great strides in not looking like an idiot at every turn.
Lately though... Well, lately, I've been saying stupid things again. Pointing out areas of improvement in other people (or even worse, in other people's kids.) Telling people the same story twice in an hour. Butting my nose in to conversations that don't concern me. I could go on, but it's really just embarrassing.
I don't know what's happened to me. I'd like to think that I'm becoming more and more like Ann Voskamp, but in reality, I think I'm turning into Amelia Bedelia.
And so, I war with myself. I want to be involved and be social. I want to get to know new people. I want to have something to say. But, inhibited by the stupid things I say, I realize that I need to clean that filter and get it working again.
I'd like to think that I have moments of quick wit. Perhaps my quick wit has found a way to bypass the filter. Perhaps my quick wit has sacrificed the "wit" side of things for more "quick."
I have no solution here, People. I'm trying. Really, I am. If you could crack open my head and see the things that I DIDN'T say, you'd be amazed, aghast, and some other adjective that starts with "A" describing how you'd feel if you saw inside my head. (See, that's just a peek at the inside of my head, unfiltered. It's Choose Your Own Adventure, adjective-style.)
I guess what I'm saying is this:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the stupid thing I said to you earlier today. Or earlier this week or this month. My filter has been working so hard and is so full of crud that I really just need to take it out and clean it. So please bear with me. I'm undergoing some maintenance. There's no completion date, so I can't even really offer you any hope of getting rid of these construction cones.
But to the friends who risk the mess, I thank you for stopping in and saying hello to me. My new filter will be working overtime, but I'm going to make sure I keep it firmly in place.
You may as well have written this one for me. Filter gets off kilter and all kinds of crazy slips through. I'm quite sure it takes a special, truly special, kind of person to be friends with the likes of me.... and you. Love you sis!
ReplyDeleteOooh, thank you. It's good to know I come by it honestly. ;-) And yes, our friends are fairly amazing, aren't they?
DeleteI'm encouraged ALWAYS, and at every turn, to know that I'm not alone. Even Paul waged war with sin. In Romans 7, he said, "...Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Even his filter got clogged and he fought with slowly filtered "water" from the "Brita". We all need to know when it's time to change it. Love you Wanda. You are as good as they get.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's good to know we're wading through this mucky world together, isn't it?
DeleteGreat thoughts, Wanda. I empathize with you as well. I feel like I'm better in my 30s than I was in my 20s but at times I still groan inwardly after I say something (or write something). I think everyone in the world could benefit by periodically "cleaning their filters" and making a more concerted effort to pour out love instead of just pouring out what is in our heads.
ReplyDeleteIt's just so hard to remember it sometimes. I'm noticing that I've done it more frequently in certain situations, so it's good for me to be more aware of it when I'm in those situations.
DeleteWell said. I can totally agree with you. The good thing is you recognize there is a problem. If we think everything's okay we just go on saying and doing things we shouldn't. Thanks for this reminder that we need to slow down and think before we act or speak.
ReplyDeleteYes, slow down. I think that's it. Quick wit is too quick. The thoughtful response is the best one, even if it doesn't get a laugh.
DeleteMy two favorite lines:
ReplyDelete"I'd like to think that I'm becoming more and more like Ann Voskamp, but in reality, I think I'm turning into Amelia Bedelia."
Because that was funny (though I recognize its inherent agony), and:
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the stupid thing I said to you earlier today. Or earlier this week or this month. My filter has been working so hard and is so full of crud that I really just need to take it out and clean it. So please bear with me. I'm undergoing some maintenance. There's no completion date, so I can't even really offer you any hope of getting rid of these construction cones."
Because it is open, honest, true, humble, and a very true recognition of our humanity.
Wanda, you've never said anything to me (that I remember) at which I recoiled, nor for which you ought to apologize. And you've even been 'brutal' with me before. Thank you.
M
I truly appreciate your kind words. Thank you.
DeleteWhat a relief to hear someone else express many of the things I feel about myself often. We are all human and I think if our intentions are rooted in love, the words we speak, the actions we take and the decisions we make can be positive. You are so loved and appreciated for the things you share. Putting your human failings "on display" so to speak allows the rest of us to be as honest and intentional in how we deal with ourselves and the people around us. God bless your heart!
ReplyDelete